| edged out 9 part 1 - 1984 may-june | work & days: a lifetime journal project |
7 May 1984 An inner person among outer persons A hollowness but. I could have it if I made myself like one of them. "My form of sear is feeling that I could never have it." "The man hasn't died he's just gone into images." Long blades of marsh grass folded in the red light. Fissures. Sand floor, desert red streaks. Exclaiming in delight of. When he moves closer to look up my skirt I don't mind feeling the heat. Someone's made a sleeping bag of buttoned clothes. Coats in the kitchen closet, dead women, step out wanting to leave with us. Outside the palisade rugs on the ground, my old Portuguese rugs I abandoned some while ago, but how did they get here. A room with a big Christmas tree spread through it in parts, a forest of thin boughs each a tree hung with gifts I can pick. Servants from SE Asia, Manila maybe, quiet. Cutting the lavender in bare feet she looked a fine freckled woman, her little square shoulders and sweet arms in black sweater and lamb vest. Without foundation. Patching in a lower-order system of someone else. "I have no choice." Inwardly looking secretly is desire, what I see will leave me if I reach Haptic Ring-g 8 A firm web of persons In the train Luke's book of photographs and writing. At the border I have to walk back through the carriages. Anchorage, new grass, slope of woodframe houses each with bed attached. 9 Letter from M about Roy's call. "When his image is taken in he becomes part. He is the connection." 10 The child is attached to the father by the pleasure chemicals. [Cheryl's show at the VAG] C in tuxedo, Daphne in red shirt laughing, Laiwan's color as she approaches, smooth strange J, Martha and her baby, Penny, Diana soft, Josie's slim legs, Renee hair cut, Don, Zoe! gone forever, T offering, Betsy and Lorraine added, Lara chinless, Carole with grant, van and house, Jeannie, Suzie, Paula, telling Kirk a movie with helicopters, Susan Penner's second husband, Marion alone, Sandy's pile of face and hair. She was flushed black-browed handsome light and warm, she'll never be seen as she was - hungry. Summer 1976, my notes refining. 11 Colored her hair - am I feeling her success. I see a black and white film with spectral color - it comes where - by surface - interference - lens - it's in parts for two hours and has sound - grain spirits - a few words written spoken and slight electronic - color and - super 8 - video - layered - pleasure chemistry - screen crosshatch - take the motion - smoke light - working with essences - a love realm - faces come through - quickly well up - titania's gash - as light in light - bright vegetation - infrared - steam lens - a joye - scinan And beside it has to be a fine life care - have to keep notice of what's set aside Plants - smoke - cloud - snow - the neon sky - flower tissue - then film torsion peacock - frost windows - gnats - mirror angles - Inuit - Color with white - When you look smart can you be wrong.
Holding by plasmic change and nearly comprehended speech. A rhetoric. Rhetor. Take the principle. 12 The big movie face and entrainment Whether I can take the visual in what I note, into visual work. What I want to see. When he was about one year old he had visions he says of the ocean with changing colors. "And we were inland, I never saw the ocean." I say everybody has seen an ocean. Yesterday it was fairyland love, today it's straining in science. Want to show my music / want to make seeing intelligent. Feeling warmings. The work I'm imagining I am so avid in. I might lose the drive to be fine looking fine speaking careful of the whole. And - am I dropping a writing I've brought to real usefulness - because it is a future without praise - because I might be about to find myself wrong in it - am I entrained in C's success avidity. In this description erasing the catchy visuals there was an image of a fast conveyor belt and something like clothes left behind on the floor; a twisting horizontal vortex. Is writing the 'stream' that brings the image, left to right. The hemisphere that responds to simulated emotion - the other presumably not - right brain sounds like R - territory. 13 A way to analyze to get an abstract of movement from an image. I see a box that reads it - makes a field description and can convert to sound. Jack Smith's painting. A milky space. Something about channel - the object image - the abstract image and its likeness to sensation, including smell. Long ago at the café table hearing about the meeting of Islamic women. Before that jumping and yapping alone in front of inert one. The Cambodians quacking, the Pakistani matron sociologist. Then I take a solo on writing and the visual. Then we find the community living room and go across the water to dinner. Talktalk. When she touches her mania it's a cloud. At Seabus terminal reading 9. In grand station on a bench shouting and it ending awry. 14 "A lot of people don't know they can use the inside of the body as a perceptual organ." "That caused a glow." "Inferring a situation that could make the statement possible." "There's a lot of it that you can't read" and then she got random. Grandiosity! Seeing that the central American torture paragraph is about sensing the baby in the mother and hiding knowledge. "Hidden knowledge." Her mother pushing past, that's what you've been transferring. Grasping her thumb in praise What took you so long! To ask: where are we in the year. 1-9 garble. I'm crazed in writing. 15 Whether I could use the pool to listen. Seeing in my notes on Dorothy her enthrallment too. 16
Sight 17 With C speed talking, noticing nothing, erased delivering formations - "attaching a grandness" J's so shriveled voice, the way she frightened me being remote, and then saying something of how it felt, and she crying but believing she hadn't been sad. "Pity": little. The alternation, could I know it more. Lifting with talking about eye but when I pressed a little with my own story, like other times, I know it's an insult. Calmed enough by knowing it is, to go away not jammering. And as with C 'listening' but never anymore as we know is possible. I am and feel I should not be - jealous envious domineering vindictive man-chasing lame anxious-looking speedy critical blank bored enthralled repelled submissive forgetting ashamed mindless inconstant anguished decrepiting frightened seductive.
I am going into it as a shape: it takes my atoms in. Sometimes lines white shots through I want it to be true enquiry and giving them every clue how to look. 18 Just filming - 5 films 1 roll each very rich color Through or on a silvery window pane, it goes steadily back through the frame through another frame fluttering silvery white rags off the edges, steadily back past a pink shady wall. 19 Vagina womb solar plex the lower ache might be an active centre or stressed - in the same way: the little vibe sometimes. Two parts for human going-forward - clearing the inchoate wanting to see what I was before - and then learning to use senses in the world. How screwy imagination is - and what about it being the resort of the powerless - women, children, and others condemned into unusable minds - and proud of them. 20 [tarot notes] The death card with Luke meant that he was gone.
This time: being high on the street, own work held back - table writing - fuss and bossing, the worry about parents - guilt - she says things so dissociatedly I'm always having to ask and scramble - at the table the inconsequence - my life doesn't depend - whatever she comes to is going to dissolve anyway - I'm not fastened to looking at her - not looking at anything - it feels dead - she says not for her - where is it - not wanting to speak about downstairs - then when I tell about worrying about breast pains and she says the death of the mother in you and I agree - the time on Saturna was such a bad clawing - she says they confessed love - I told about the grain - she grabbed body and took the b's for hers - "the bodies felt easier together" - "I'm glad we came through" - yes but you're not saying it was only partly through - the room she's taken to be the production room, saying this is not your room now - "we have different angels now" - "I don't know what you mean" - meaning, I know who's mine but who are you saying is yours?
In argument go upstairs not down. "Their visible presence is their discourse." Chipo's right eye. Turquoise at the entrance to a house. Her word so often doubted now - battling every instance is a threshing machine - I let some by and nab others - she uses them - the moment behind her in family commotion seeing the fine-bred haunch line - was the only actual seeing - from privacy - the direction lines of the shaved bit in front of Laiwan's ear - the doubt killing our time - we don't come into satisfaction - after telling the grain film yes I could see sky and clouds and wind pushing the street trees and light rocked by it - but not her - and she going away to write what happened with the lovage leaf - I couldn't understand the way she said it, or why she was using that word energy - "what kind of writer are you if you can't write that" - so she goes to bring the light notes together and comes back exhausted when I'm exhausted - and this morning without interest - I think you were feeling competitive - why should I have to tell you that - in fact the self-disliking in this time is because I've controlled her by withdrawals after the unchecked mauling - attempt - I saw her in, last time I got sweet. the same low moods before his moments of highest creation 22 Juan Guri of Barcelona - learn to start fires [young man met at the Carnegie Centre] Akkadian - extinct group of east Semitic languages, Mesopotamia, Assyrians, Babylonians - Aksum ancient capital of Ethiopia Acadia - flowering leguminous - locus - gum arabic - akakia a thorny tree of Egypt - ake point - thorn - akalephe nettle - akantha thorn - akari mite L as unit, unity - L acer sharp acus needle, chaff - acescere to become sour - acervus heap - acetum vinegar - OE acan, ache - acier - akinakes scimitar - acinus, grape - akine point - akmros at top or end (akrobatos feet) - acorn aecern akoniton (seditive) - aecer field - akouein to hear
Le Guin fiction as research 1.
2. Gender exaggeration and homosexual taboo - homosexual taboo to fuel patriarchy
3.
4. Time
5. Temporal physics - math, physics, ethics, philosophy, cosmology
6. Ethics
7. Advocating: theming
8. Fiction as illusionism
9. Still?
10. Language innovation, NAMING
11. Her Keltic landscapes
22 Falling asleep hearing the dark even voice. Sap - saep juice - taste - sapo soap - wise - second month Saphar - safir leg vein, one of two superficial large - sappho, sappheiros - Saturn - Sanskrit sanipryia - sapro rot. 24 The Primes the intervals. What was I thinking as I woke - déjà vu a structural resemblance - resemblance of interval transposed between senses also - a spatial key - move it to another zone - warp - expand/contract. Yesterday woke with a note - it's gone - except a sense of something like [sketch] on it. Walter and Michaela. [Barry Truax lets me audit Walter Branchi's electronic music course at SFU. His companion Michaela Mollia is with him.] 25 My universal solvent.
The canonical hours - a holy day runs from previous vespers - vesper the evening star, Venus as, vesper sparrow, vespa wasp - hesperios western, golden apples are maybe oranges - Compline - bedtime, now I lay me down to sleep Nocturns - after midnight, nox, noctis, nock, Nyx goddess, nystazein to nod, get drowsy, nyx, nyctos night, nymphe bride nympholeptos frenzy wanting unattainable Matins - "midnight or dawn" - more and mat - as, matiass, match, matrix, also intercellular substance, Arabic matrah place something is thrown, matstah large flat unleaved, alba white, album blank tablet, ala wing, alabastos, álamo poplar alder alor OE, aleuron flour, alius another, allos other, aleph alif first of Arabic, alere to nourish, allelon of one another, almah dancing girl, one who knows, the pair of white oxen, alphos is leprosy alps altar altrix a nurse, alvus belly alveus hollow.
lauds laus laetus joyful 1st 3rd 6th and 9th And then the ceremonial year Proper of the Time Laos people litaneuin to pray Ceres Time-markings, cycle settings-beside, tabular, sym-ballein overlay, rehearsal Wine and wafer first called 'offering', 'sacrifice', blessing, a meal Spem in Alium - Clerks of Oxenford 1505-1585 "And Jone Tallys lyved in love ful thre and thirty Yeres" - girls' voices, Pleni Sunt Coeli I want - a lab - sound generating - a fellowship - a good department head - access to music - access to animation stand - computers - England or Berkeley - some kind of sesshins - math - a way to another child - in three years. 26
28 Bright floors and flowers The young good nature. We prepare food. The day is radiant. I can say things. Her rooms. The rooms upstairs. I wash windows and walk Ezra in my socks with holes. Why am I doing this. "I know it will be hard." But agreed. Sandy fat, Hava's beard, Ingrid as if dying and sitting as if shunned, in dim clothes. 29 "Her body was very distressing to me." I'm going to cut my hair and give up control, go back to fright and pleasure. The phlox in jars. Not repeating. Fox says. Summer heat. Phlox phlegein to burn 31 Last night cutting hair, frightened, remembering fright. "It's like another person." "Who." "Is it her." "Is it poison." Thought I'd do it as it liked but it was only looking at the color in the bathroom, changing a few images. And in sleep slope again finding myself in a whole life of references - I can't listen to - it was as I am in bed, this and that about people and responsibilities. Behind today nervous about the realm. Thinnest new [sketch of new moon] very far north. [undated letter to my mom, not sure it goes here] Oh dear M - is it really only the beginning of your summer, May has been July here, the spring is already a little seedy. Once more, you're starting from the beginning with a garden: those plants you could depend on to come up next to the steps aren't there for you. And Oma is losing her gardens in the same way, by the decisions of her husband. I liked seeing your trips to the ditch for water: Jam liked that too. Wd like to show you these gardens, J's is her back yard, it's green grass under the big willow ceiling, a table and chair, a little plantation of nasturtiums each with two ears turned toward the sun like radio antenna dishes, and a dug square with odd, oddly placed adored clumps of perennial brought from the gardens she works in. Mine and Diana's is that always more developed full leafy magic compound English-garden strip, a few plants blooming, many more in interesting leaf, I have more herbs, though I don't use them I love them best, Corsican mint, peppermint, spearmint, heart's-ease, fennel, rue, lovage, rosemary, chives, sage, marjorum, Greek oregano, chervil, feverfew, comfrey, myrtle, African basil, sacred (or common) basil, wild basil, Mexican basil, summer savory, winter savory, germander, cedronella, balsam, Mexican tarragon, motherwort (was used in childbirth), lemon balm, dittany of Crete, artemesia, old-man, old-woman, maiden's bedstraw, sweet woodruff, lavender, curry plant, chamomile (wild), veronica, thyme, mountain dogwood, valerian, Phoenician mullein, mace yarrow, rose geranium, salad burnet, hyssop, anise hyssop, bee-balm, coriander, foxglove. They have unfamiliar exquisite blooming times. There also are flowers in the ordinary way. Poppies, roses, lilies, columbine, usw but it's the strange little functional thyme and sage flowers, for instance, that are giving it its fairyland look. One afternoon when Diana and I and J were on the sidewalk speculating where things should go, we saw a nice looking man and a little girl who looked like him, standing in the alley looking down the path into the garden, quietly. They both had large intelligent heads. Afterward I went and stood where they had been, and looked where they'd looked, and I saw how it looks, from outside, as I never had (often am looking down into it). Dear M: this afternoon, going down the steps into Jam's back garden, wearing a white cotton shirt and some baggy red cotton pants, and hair in a ponytail, I felt like a young person called Mary! Do you understand that? We went to my house to get some stuff, saw your letter there, J opened it, and saw it folded to show "Greetings to Jam," we laughed and both read it right then. I should've told you that when I mailed your letter I also mailed $210 to the credit u. They're maybe told you by now. J and I both felt uneasy about your offer to let me off my debt to you, I have such a doubt about borrowing money from you at all, tho' I do when it's urgent: the doubt is because it seems that after you gave your life you're also giving your money. Anyway, with this particular loan, because of what it was, your own money, that it really was wrong for me to borrow at all (tho' it was right to have Luke come, that part was completely right), I should pay it back - I don't know, maybe you've written off money you've lent J and Paul, and want to be fair: but this time, I know it isn't right to let you give it to me: just now I have got money and I will keep sending you some. If it weren't your own fund I wouldn't feel it quite that way. But there does also seem something wrong with children who insist on living in as little drudgery as they can get by with, getting money from someone who has had too much of it. I know in some way the life I use in my freedom of own work is also yours, and when you give it money it is to help a part of yourself. I am not clear what my life as a separate one owes yours, or yours mine, I think my freedom gives you something as well as having taken away from you, but I don't want to be part of your giving up on your historical self geb. [geboren] Mary Konrad. I am afraid you will give up on yourself because Father is getting things his way. I'm afraid when I hear you speak about his death that you don't realize there is a rivalry between the two of you, and if your spirit doesn't get some of what it wants it will be you who will die before him. Your limiter. I don't know how these matters work but I know I want to tell you to take care not to lose too many of your spirit battles now. If your body feels you aren't defending it and standing by it, it will get sick. I know there are ways to defend it, that don't show as such, but it is dangerous to count on doing what you want 'later.' Maybe it is true that the bonds between you are such that you can't both do what you want, but it's grizzly if the only way you can manage clarity is by one half dying off. 1st June Turning on the tap to get some minnows in the tub. It's after spring freshet, there may be none. The tub as it fills, clods of mushrooms, some white eggs. "The rainstorms we've had, the white eggs come out the tap." Other things, a rock with garnets, a long garnet crystal. "Maybe there'll be a chain and I'll wear it." Someone else a small young man turns on his taps, I think I should turn them because I have the luck, he gets nothing - but - a little creature with wings, running around scared, catch it and pet it. Religious/treeplanting camp - I know he's there - where - seeing different ones - between heads one eye looking at me - sharp and brown - yes. He chooses me a place in the (exam), my turn, I choose him, maybe I shouldn't, "the back corner of Africa." I'm at my desk, I look up and see him in his red sweater just standing near me. I come sit next to him. It's like acknowledging: our chins at each other's shoulders. But some reluctance in what seems to be our admitting.
Voices and rhythms separate or in the simple forms of agreement or concordant in different lines. The whole mass of the orchestra conducted. Bring your flute beautiful one.
Just come and I'll be nice to you I won't persecute you for droning at me I'll just love you and play with you. Noticing these days which of the three places is lit.
The little animal with wings I thought I was waking is the head The song - from Koo's - For the longest time [Billy Joel The longest time
http://www.lyricsfreak.com/j/joel+billy/the+longest+time_20072963.html Seeing the fierce light of the plant's life "Let's be friends and learn things." Hearing by the echo whether it's a bush or tree The body's fires and we lie together inert The gentle pull toward him - sitting in the garden - men's legs - his frightened back - liking his voice next to me facing the phlox and rose The envelope of the dead person - forest spirits like monsters - the cloud that follows him - "I don't look at clouds too much anymore" "I think you're in a life already." Sky full of moving particles shining "I have to find someone." [music notes from Walter Branchi's seminars] Evidently, there has always been an inhibition against equality which is in a way reminiscent of the inhibition of artists against squares for the benefit of rectangles. Chains of 3rds and 4ths - they can be unrelated to an octave - just go on up and down without tying the structure to the beginning Pentatonic Scottish old-Greek Indian most East Asian "which are quartal in structure and use the octave as an organic and vital interval" The varying of a tone by missing it and then correcting or by acceleration and deceleration Speaking of the melody as if it's the line of the life Affixes "eventually accepted with equal rights" how strong the urge of the perfect 5th
The intervals are similar not identical because the 3rds in a chain are now major, now minor. To form ever 2 a perfect 5th Triple 3rds are not octaval C G E Infixes usually bisect the major - making it C D E G three and a half = 5th Unequal steps reading beyond the 5th - make it a semitone - but transcribe to another country it was taken as a 3rd The shift when instead of building from the two 3rds, a third 3rd - the singer gives a second - to lead back to 5th Not C E G (B) but C E G (A) G - affix Then it took a while to establish the 6th - BIFURCATION
Line
He says
Question of why particular intervals get fixed
relation:
polyphony 1. parallel - intending unison
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